Have a topic you'd like to hear Carlashley weigh in on via her blog or podcast? Submit it below and it may be featured!

Name
Name

Getting rid of love

Reader:

" I am madly in love with a man. I am crazy enough to believe that he is my match. Everything he does and says sends heatwaves through my body--not sexual ones either. Like magnetic force heat waves ( I know I sounds nuts). He is the most intelligent, provocative, captivating man I have ever met in my life. However, he literally has the lowest emotional quotient/ intelligence I have ever seen in adult. I think in some of that causes him not to be able to be human and feel. He likes to control outcomes. Everything is about logic and reason for him and we will not let himself go with me. That kind of man can't love me how I need to be loved. I know this. I have made peace with it and we are "friends". We have done the back and forth "dating" thing and I have told him twice that I am done with that because I need someone who isn't afraid to feel, show, and experience all the spectrum of emotions that love brings. The most troublesome part of all of this is that I know he sees me and I know he loves me because he has told me flat out and has done a whole host of things to show he does EXCEPT be with me. What he needs is a therapist but that's a separate issue. Like I said we are friends now and I suspect that's because we find one another value added and truly enjoy one another's "company". But this doesn't change how I feel and I am always thinking of him and his well being...we do not see each other much nor have we ever but a recent string of terrible events means that I will not have physical access to him for some time. We talk pretty much every day--we talk about life, racial politics, funny stuff, family, trade advice and just be. Some days I am fine, and other days I am completely caught up in his rapture. I know there is always going to be something standing in the way of the possibility of an us...so I guess what I want to know is can I have my cake and eat it too? I want the friendship without the residual feelings, the hurt, the anguish and the hope for more. I am not sure how to turn off the “romantic love button” and keep the friendship love alive. I feel like more insurmountable things have been done; I simply need a blueprint."

Carla Ashley:

"Thank you for reaching out and choosing me to assist you with your dilemma. It’s always great when you find someone whom you have undeniable chemistry with isn’t it? We feel in tune with this person and they awaken many different feelings within us on levels that we desire. It’s also great that the two of you have managed to have such a positive friendship as this is great for building a solid foundation with a mate.

You mentioned and spoke of his lack of emotional availability. People tend to show emotions differently for many reasons. Some shut out others due to past trauma or upbringing, possibly never being exposed to displaying an emotional connection in the way that you are used to or require.  It can cause a strong disconnect between two people when they are not both emotionally available to let each other in. Shutting out your friend or romantic partner on any level can place an invisible distance between you two, despite the time apart that you said you have no control over at the moment.

Which leads me to my next portion of this response…The string of events that you mentioned. I believe most things happen for a reason. Maybe some of them were very serious and I’m not saying that if any harmful or emergency situation occurred that it was justifiable but I am saying that this is a true opportunity for the two of you to take some space apart. You’ve tried to pull away in the past but remaining friends that keep in contact as often as you do is preventing you from moving forward and keeping you emotionally attached to him.

You also mentioned that he has told you and shows you he loves you however he will not be with you. If a man loves you, he will be with you. There is no other explanation for that. Something within himself must be keeping himself from being with you but if he really saw your true value and won’t be with you then he may not feel he is actually worthy of you at all.

As far as having your cake and eating it too, man…don’t we all want that?! Right now though, it’s not possible. If you truly do value his friendship and expect him to respect that boundary, you’ll have to learn to exist without relying or expecting that constant connection, whether it is verbal or face to face. Use this time to allow him to get his own matters in order, be they personal or just life issues. It seems like he has more than enough on his plate before a serious situation with anyone should be a primary focus of his. Keep the friendship alive by checking in, maybe once a week or less just to recap life’s events and whatever topics you usually discuss. Make them infrequent but genuine and nothing should change. Be sure to communicate to him the reason for the change so there are no assumptions on his end. If he is your true friend, he will respect this.

Remind yourself that you deserve someone in more ways than physically and intimately. Make yourself some post-its and place them on your fridge, work space, or vanity mirror. Wherever you look most. They don’t have to be full blown descriptive notes for others to decode, but personal reminders…a checklist of quality inner characteristics you require of someone before you can say to yourself, “He’s my match.” That way the next time you get those heat waves you can refer back to your notes when you were thinking logically lol

Oh, and consider finding a new confidant or group of people to interact with so you don’t feel the need to unload your stuff on him every moment. If this doesn’t come immediately for you or you don’t have time to expand your circle, try journaling. It’s my go-to unloading method when all else fails.

Hope this helps."

How can I balance my growing business and parenting with a dating life?

How can I balance my growing business and parenting with a dating life?

I need help disclosing

I need help disclosing

0