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I feel guilty about moving on

Reader:

"Long story short I was in a relationship for a year, very emotional abusive and draining relationship. He got sick last year and was in a coma. I stood by his side through his hard period and dealt with the non sense from his family because I wasn't his baby mother or wife. I was just the girlfriend. Mind u I was the one who called 911 for him when he hurt himself. If it wasn't for me he would have died at home. So u will think me being by his side because I loved him and wanted to have a tighter bond with him will have him to think that what we have is real and how much I wanted to move forward with our lives. NOPE!!!! We argued more than ever once he came out of rehab. Everyday we argued and he accused me of cheating which i was not doing no such thing. Smh

Eventually I got tired and decided to leave him. I was emotionally and physically drained. Every now and then I will check on him to make sure he is going to his appointments. He still has seizures and I get concerned about him. I tried to reach out to him last week and he won't respond to me and I know he read my messages

On another note, I've been talking to someone for 4 months and I recently opened up to him on all levels emotional intimately and so on. I had this idea that my ex and I will get back together because I'm still I love with him. But he just refuses to get the help he needs and work on himself. I even suggested us going to church together but all he wanted to do is argue. The man that I'm dealing with is not perfect but it's nothing that can't be fixed. He respects me and my space. He is not controlling like my ex and he takes the time to understand me and he also was so patient with me in dealing with my emotional ordeal lol. He wants to take what we have to another level and I'm scared but at the same time I wouldn't mind taking that chance. But I feel guilty because it feels like I've abandoned my ex. I know I sound crazy. It's just a messed up situation. Help me"

Carla Ashley:

"Thank you for reaching out regarding your situation. I can understand how difficult it is to let go or move on from those we care about. Even if not on a romantic level. We often receive the answers we need though indirectly from our counterparts. Silence is golden and speaks volumes. Sometimes we don't want to admit it to ourselves but it is likely that he has moved on. You have to be open to this possibility. Your actions in the past to help him show your true character and nothing less of a good person. It might be time though to review the movie, "Diary of a mad black woman". Where the main character helped her less than loving husband recover from a major injury while being pursued by a new partner.

You have done all you can to help your ex and now it is time to come to terms with where you stand. He is giving you the answer that you need but you are holding on to hopes of the past. He is not currently showing you that the love from your past is still there.

It's great that your new love interest is understanding towards your emotional attachment to your ex but I do not at all advise jumping from one situation to the next if your heart is still somewhere else. Allow yourself time to let go of the past trauma. Besides the need to do this, it would be wise to follow your gutt. You seem to compare your new beau to your ex when in reality, any next person we date will look great in comparison to what we went through with our last. The only way we can really differentiate between whether the new candidate is a person worthy of receiving all of us is if we are not holding their profile side by side with anyone else's.

Only you know what you deserve, and its even okay to admit if you may not know what that looks like yet. I will say that it isn't enough to take on someone if they look like a better candidate than the last. Consider when you've ever looked for another job/position. If you were made an offer after an interview, did you say to yourself "Well, it pays better than the last one and I won't be around my annoying co-workers anymore, I'll take it." Probably not. You wanted to know what the hours were gonna be, when would you accrue vacation time and health benefits. How much of a commute would it be for you. If it was really WORTH the commitment, because you know that if it didn't work out you'd have to start over again.

This is how we should be looking at situations when we get involved with someone new. View the situation from all angles and truly know the person inside and out, not just the surface level or what they choose to show you. Do you know how they are when they are upset or angry? Does this change how they react or treat you based on their moods. Do you two want the same things long term and are both actively pursuing them together?

Being scared is not a feeling that should be ignored either. If you've seen the movie, "Inside out" you'll understand that we were giving feelings for a reason and they mean something to our inner belief system, personal morals, and grounding. So if anything, no matter what it is making you scared, nervous, or fearful...evaluate it. Why are you feeling this way? Is it something to rationally communicate over with your partner? Are you unsure of things? If so, what's the rush? Waiting is not saying "no" indefinitely, its simply waiting until you are "sure".

So to sum all that up, allow yourself a period to feel your guilt, understand that you've done all you can, and move forward....for you. Not for the new person in your life. Before doing that, make sure you two are on the same page and if not, scale it back a little (through communication). Don't cut off communication, especially if you are into them.

As always, please be sure to refer your friends and colleagues as this service is promotional and a free courtesy.

Hope all this helps.

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Break ups to make ups

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