Advice Request 4/4/16
"So I've been single for 3 months. I was in a very stressful and emotional abusive relationship for a year. It wasn't always bad with him and I but things became worse when he got sick and I tried to stick it out but I couldn't take it anymore.
Any who. I'm not really seeing anyone just a friend but I'm not Intimate with anyone. I feel like my ex and I have hope in the future idk. I hope and pray that he changes and get the help that he needs. As for me I'm in a better mind frame but I yearn to be in a relationship but the way these men are set up concerns me lmao. I'm not over my ex but I know I can't be with him right now. I'm even thinking about being celibate. I don't even crave sex like that. I don't trust men and their intentions. Girl what should I do what do u suggest for me And how to go about my break up and just moving on and sex? Lol"
"Thanks for reaching out. Please note that while this inbox is here for you to receive dating and/or relationship advice that this is a courtesy service I am offering to expand my brand and audience. If you should find this advice helpful, please pass the information along. That is my only charge, word of mouth. This is in no way to be assumed therapy, however experience based personal feedback.
The first thing mentioned is generally the most important and what stuck out to me as the summation of your relationship with your ex, that it was stressful and involved emotional abuse. I would first ask myself if this is something I want to deal with potentially for the rest of my life. Every relationship has good as well as bad memories and its very easy to look back and reminisce on the good things that occurred in attempt to convince ourselves that we didn't try hard enough, we didn't give it our all, or "If they would just change this one thing", that things would be better.
Change for any individual must come from within. As much as we want the best for a person, they have to see their actions and short-comings and want the change for themselves. It is not our job to convince but to encourage. If they fail to see their wrongs then we must do what's best for our own peace of mind. Being supportive to a partner through sickness and other ways to show emotional support is great but if it is draining us in the long run and they are not returning that support then they are taking your peace. Your inner peace should be key before, during, and after any relationship. Continue to pray for his personal progress but continue to regain your individual happiness.
Being newly single can be difficult because we are so used to having someone to spend most of our time with. It doesn't however have to be a time of loneliness and being alone may be the best time to just date without the pressure of committing to someone. These will be days that you can't get back when the right person comes along so make the best of them. As far as your future goes with someone, start to envision what your ideal relationship looks like, how is your partner treating you? How are you treating them? Is it equal/mutual? Are you giving more of yourself and receiving the same? Is there mutual respect? Are they putting you down mentally or uplifting you and encouraging you as a woman. Do they make you feel good about yourself?
Not being over your ex yet is okay. Don't put a time frame on it, it will happen on its own unexpectedly but until then, busy yourself with hobbies, the gym, time with friends..Whatever you enjoy. This time is for YOU.
Sex...sex is very important and can be special when shared with the right person. Or it can be a completely emptying, unfulfilling moment of passionless lust. It can also cloud judgement when exchanged too soon. Staying away from it can be tough or completely easy. Its much easier when there is no one you actually want lol A recent read has been a source of self discipline, The Wait by Meghan Good and Devon Franklin. You may want to consider picking it up or downloading it if you are considering celibacy. Figure out what celibacy looks like to you, be it no intercourse, or solely self stimulation. Find a support group or even just supportive friends to help you with it because some friends may look at you like you're crazy for not wanting to get any lol
Did you get all that? Stay busy, Date when you're over your ex and if you want to date when you're not over him don't set any expectations. It'll only set you up for failure. Have fun with it and enjoy each moment no matter how many potentially bad dates you go on. Journal them and laugh at them once you find the one worth giving all of yourself to when you're good and ready.
Hope this helps.