"Good evening. I need some input on my situation and how to approach the problem. So my boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. We have our ups and downs like any other couple. However we have been arguing more than usual since last month. We spent most of that month going at each other and part of it was because of his drinking. When he drinks he tends to get belligerent and I was at my point of leaving him. But I did fall in love with him so it's hard for me to let go. With all the back and fourth I became insecure with myself and our relationship because I felt maybe he just didn't want to be with me and I keep thinking that he is cheating on me. Idk maybe I'm over thinking
Now he is going through a lot. He lost his cousin last month and experienced 4 deaths in his family in one week. Before that we use to spend a lot of time together but as of lately with all the crap we been going through and what he is going through in his family it's hard to be with him. I don't want to come off needy but i miss my man I miss being intimate with him just being with him. Our sex life was awesome and I miss us being out and about and getting along with each other. But he has so much on his plate I feel he can't tend to our relationship.
Idk what to do should I be supportive should I fall back and let him come to me. It hurts that I can't be with him the way I want to. Every time I'm suppose to see him something always happens."
"Good evening and Thanks for reaching out,
I'm sorry your partner is going through all of this at once. Dealing with a lost life can be tough on anyone and even more so he's dealing with multiple, which means YOU'RE dealing with multiple. I get it. You just want to go back to enjoying each others company again and things being light and fun. The sad reality though is that the honeymoon phase is over. It usually ends around the 6 month mark. Congratulations! You've made it this far. The toughy is that around this time most relationships start to struggle because each person's representative is no longer present and you're seeing a person for who they really are in all elements, not just during happy moments. How a person deals with losses or pain can spill into our relationships with our mates and some choose to numb that pain with drugs, alcohol, or other vices. Unfortunately, as you mention the alcohol isn't helping how he treats you while you're doing your best to be supportive.
Not a silly question to ask yourself, but I'd rather not assume...Have you communicated to him that you're not okay with how he speaks to you when under the influence? If he is incapable of controlling how he acts and speaks when intoxicated there could be deeper issues there that can lead to potential worse actions in the future if one is not aware of their fault. If he is aware of how he treats you and sees nothing wrong with it then you might want to start considering if this relationship is ideal long term. Belligerence has always been a red flag for violent behavior in my experiences. You have to figure out if he is this way because he's dealing with the losses or if this is truly who he is whenever he drinks and not make excuses for the behavior. You're in an exclusive committed relationship but you're not married and you didn't mention having any children together or living together so you have no ties. You both deserve to be happy and if he has too much on his plate to give 100% to the relationship right now maybe he needs some time for himself to hit the reset button to realize he has a good supportive person on his side that needs him to attempt to pull it together with your help.
Arguing non-stop can be emotionally draining and I'd count how many days out of 7 were spent arguing or unhappy and if its more than 2 or 3 I think you have your answer. If you think a week is too rushed and you have it in you, give it another month. Mark your calendar with days that ended negatively with a marker in one color and your favorite color for days that ended positively. After 4 weeks if your favorite color is not dominant on the calendar it could be time to cut your losses and start winning again.
In regards to the infidelity...If you're feeling this way because maybe you've been cheated on in the past and you're paranoid then you can overlook these inner thoughts. However, if you're feeling this way because he has become distant, starts fights or disagreements for no reason, is always on edge, is protective over electronic devices, and his patterns/daily routines have changed then I'd say you have cause for concern but don't go questioning him until you have hard facts.
I never encourage falling back and I know some people do it naturally but its just not effective to me. Communication should always be your go-to method and if that is unsuccessful, then I'd still communicate verbally that you are going to give them some space to think things through because you're unhappy and you want to see them happy as well. Allow them the time to grieve and be firm in letting them know that the behavior towards you MUST improve in order for the two of you to continue moving forward. Separate for a set amount of time in your head only allowing for check ins to make sure each other is okay and make your decision later. You already seem to know how you deserve to be treated from your words, now all you have to do is receive it from the right person and if this one refuses to then he isn't the one. Hard to hear because feelings are involved but hey, its 7 months spent finding out rather than wondering "What if" and not 7 yrs.
Hope this helps."