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Heartbreak and knowing when to sever ties

Heartbreak and knowing when to sever ties

Some of us handle heartbreak differently. Our coping mechanisms vary and how we heal isn’t at the same pace as others. Many of us force ourselves to get over someone or something traumatic that happened to us by seeking refuge in a new person or situation and that is rarely the solution. I can say that there is no quick fix and different experiences have shown me that healing happens when we don’t expect it to be complete.

I promise I’m not feeding you bullshit clichés, this is for real and how it’s always worked out for me. Ever left your PC to install updates for 10 mins and it has 90% to go…you come back a couple mins and only 85% left…but when you busy yourself and forget about it when you pass by solely by accident updates are completed and your PC is ready to run again. Your heart works the same way.

Take for example a personal heart-altering experience that I’ve gone through in which I made changes in myself upon request for someone else (All worth-while and a part of my eventual personal growth in the end) in order to make things less complicated. Maybe they say you’re nagging too much, or you jump to conclusions, or you’re not staying in your lane. Out of respect for them as well as where you currently are within your relationship versus where you would like to see things in the future, you play your position. You stop second guessing yourself, you trust them completely, let you guard down. You finally learn to chill out, play things cool, and take each day with the two of you as they come. Never asking for more than they give you and giving your best to them at every moment.

You think you’ve succeeded. You’re content for the most part, disagreements are occurring less, you’re able to speak freely with one another about various topics sharing viewpoints and engaging in constructive conversation. Suddenly out of the blue you’re blind-sided by a social media rant quoting segments of the convo you had with the individual which expresses some internal offense. Words you said that were meant to empower were taken out of context and used to create space between you and the person you were growing closer to.

All of the effort, all of the time spent listening, all of the communication has gone out the window and you’re back at square one. This may not even be the first time and now you’re lost. You feel betrayed and unable to trust someone who took their feelings to a ton of strangers on social media rather than confront you about something you were unaware even bothered them. What now?

Accessing the relationship is key in situations like this. A mental record has to be revisited to decide if this person truly respects your thoughts, your feelings, and your opinion. Did you say anything to offend intentionally? Has this been a recurring issue? Are they refusing to see that you’re on the same team? Do they continue to create small issues every time something starts to go too well? This person could very well be afraid of the commitment you crave and they find ways to sabotage your connection or push you away in order not to look like the bad guy (or girl).

Is this the type of behavior you want to continue rewarding? Probably not. What’s best for you is not always easy. Shit, it’s actually not easy at all but only you know your breaking point and what you deserve. I personally know that communication is hella big for me and I make it a point to always open my mouth when something is bothering me so that the other person never has to wonder or worry. If they don’t have it in them to clear the air like an adult it may be time to cut ties.

The actual process to begin is simple. Once you’ve determined that there are no losses on your part simply opt out of communicating as they have. Their opportunity to be open with you was not taken so unfortunately you need to give yourself distance from them. You’re probably wondering how well this has worked for me since I’m just shouting out rules. To be quite honest it sucks! Is this a person I genuinely cared for at some point, of course.  It’s not easy letting go of someone you have feelings for but I respect myself more than to allow someone to go on social media rants like a child or avoid facing me like an adult.

Remember when I mentioned earlier that experience has taught me that there is no specified amount of time in which the healing process will be complete? That’s exactly how this works. There will be days that you think about that person a lot and they’ll be days where you think about them a little. You start engaging in new activities, focusing more on your career or a new study program. Maybe you’re focusing on a weight loss program for an upcoming milestone or vacation. Eventually a whole day will pass by where you don’t think about them at all and then they’ll cross your mind again while out with friends or on a date.

The process repeats itself for an indefinite amount of time but I make you this promise…there’s no romantic heartbreak I’m confident can’t ever be healed. I’ve gotten through many, each harder than the next but I’ve gotten through them. So to this heartbreak and all the others…kick rocks because true love conquers all.

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