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A letter to my Single Strong Black Men

A letter to my Single Strong Black Men

Someone needs to remind you that you are still special. You are still wanted. Some may misunderstand you and I am here to set the record straight. Don’t get it twisted, this world does need you. You may feel invisible at times because you are overlooked, but some of us are actually seeking you.

Do not become prey to today’s society where you are weakened by conformity. Our women need you. The family structure needs you. Our future generations need you. Who are you?

I’m speaking to the nice guy whose single mother taught him to open doors for a lady, pull out chairs, walk on the outside of the sidewalk, and wait for her to get into her home safely before driving off. The nice guy who always gets friend-zoned because he just doesn’t have enough “swagger”. I’m talking to the blue-collared worker who isn’t afraid of getting his hands dirty to hold down a household while some women are looking down on you for janitorial work, nursing, or construction.

I’m talking to the men who would rather spend time in the library or with their head in some books rather than on the corner or the stoop with the fellas. The guy who is content wearing a pair of converse until the soles run thin because he is saving for his first home rather than expanding his sneaker collection or closet with material possessions that depreciate in value.

I’m talking to the men who rarely have time for hanging out and are focused on traveling or investing much of their time on reputable business plans to secure a future for themselves. You may not have seen your friends in ages, but it’s okay.

I’m talking to the guy who still wears relaxed fit jeans, tucked in collared shirts, and bow ties. It’s okay.

I want you to know it’s okay to be different. Too many of our men try too hard…too hard to be different in the aspect of not fitting into a box. Trying too hard to push traditional boundaries. Trying not to be defined by the old world definition of what a strong man entails. Different today unfortunately is the Steve Hightower, Carl Winslow, Uncle Phil of the past. People think those guys were “different”.

It’s okay to want a family, have a real career…Be a teacher, a lawyer, a cop. It’s okay to care about others and be a successful male role model in someone’s life. It’s okay to mentor a young man who has no father. It’s okay to be labeled as a “cornball” and it’s okay not to be a ladies man. It’s okay to be a handyman. If you aren’t one, it’s okay to watch YouTube videos and learn. It’s okay to go to Home Depot and Lowe’s and take an instructional course to become better at something.

The world has forgotten what a strong black man is. Our women need you and many aren’t even aware. I ask you not to blame them, for many did not grow up seeing one. Your acts of chivalry and respect may be seen as a sign of weakness by someone who is not worthy. I ask you not to give up on love because you continue to come across women who have been battered by weak men. I ask you to keep fighting for love even after that first or second heartbreak by those broken women.

You are hidden behind all of the watered down versions of men who are feminized. There are so few of you left because unfortunately you are classified as an entire group based on your race alone and not many are open to seeing your true value within because of your male counterparts who give you a bad reputation. Womanizers, gang bangers, cheaters, invisible dads, alcoholics, and drug abusers.

I want to let you know that there is a world full of black women who also don’t fit the “Bitter Black Woman” stereotype and are patiently waiting to cross paths with you. I admit on our behalf that it gets difficult waiting. Not knowing if when it happens if the timing will be right. Will you be so beaten from the world that you are incapable of receiving the love we are ready to give?   

I want you to not feel threatened or feel like you’re losing your black women to other races if we are in search of good strong men. We still desire you, many of us preferring you. But because there are so few like you we have to be realistic that there are not enough of you to fulfill us all. Unfortunately the system, absent dual parent households, and the media have failed our generation, creating less and less of men like you to uplift and join in building solid units with.

So tell your equals, tell your frat brothers, tell your blood brothers, and your nephews that we want you. We appreciate your strength in a world where the strong black man is challenged to break every day. Please do not give up on yourselves, do not give up on us women, and do not give up on love.


Carla Ashley


A letter to my Strong Single Black Women (A collaboration with Lacy Colson III)

A letter to my Strong Single Black Women (A collaboration with Lacy Colson III)

Sometimes you just gotta take a chance